Online Dating: Use And Throw Relationship Culture
You are 38 and happily married. He is 35, married with a child (and a wife, of course). You meet online during lockdown. In the beginning, you are not interested in him. But then he tells you a story. A story about his bad married life and how he and his wife don't get along. Sounds filmy, correct? Women are stupid when it comes to the matter of heart. They fall for the same story over and over again. You feel sad for him. Your sympathy gradually turns in to true love because he has been sweet-talking to you all this time, giving you all his attention, and claiming to love you like no one has loved before. He sends you flirty messages that turn in to sexting. You start liking his dirty talks. He makes you think that you are his priority. You can't stop thinking about him. His thoughts give you org**sm. Very soon, you start questioning your marriage and dream of a future where you two are together, forever. He repeatedly assures commitment. Unfortunately, you believe his bullshit because you are blinded and deafened by his fake love. Until one fine day, he wants you to do nude video calls with him. You say 'no', he immediately breaks up with you and poof, he's gone!
I was born in a generation where when things broke, you fix it. Today, you throw it. Therefore, my heart aches as I write this article. I hope none of us have to ever encounter such selfish heartbreakers who play with women's emotions under the pretext of love. Therefore, I am putting down eight warning signs to watch out to be able to identify that he is only here to play with your emotions and save yourself before he throws you out of his life.
1. He is a front-stabber
"I say this with my full heart, I honestly love you"...
"Commitment ki baat hai, toh definitely piche nahi hatunga"...
"I promise you, I will never leave you and my love will never fade with time"
"I need ur love and affection..Don’t leave me ever..I was starving for this love"....
"Those two days I didn't talk to you, I missed you and thought I cannot live without you"...
"I never said to leave ur hubby and ur family n love me. Did I? Can u give that to me?? I'm ready to leave my wife"....
He repeatedly tells you how much he loves you and what you mean to him. He will stab you straight in your heart, leave you in pain, and go away. Not even for once, he will check back on you to see if you are dead or alive. While you are moaning over his breakup, he is already interviewing your replacement or busy coochie-cooing with this wife.
Ask him why he broke up with you and he will reply, "Jab commitment fulfil nahi hoga toh I really feel annoyed...That's affecting the situation"...See the contradiction here as opposed to his tone of communication in the early courtship days where he said, "Commitment ki baat hai, toh definitely piche nahi hatunga".... By the way, he is trying to tell you that it's you who is not fulfilling the commitment by refusing to do nude video calls with him. So, you are at fault here and he will make it sound like you broke his poor heart.
2. He talks to you as per his schedule
Everything is as per his time and his terms. He will text you when he wants to. He will call you when he wants to. You have to call him when he wants to. He is unresponsive to your messages but you have to be available to immediately respond to his messages. Some days he wants you to chat with him. Some days is playing the disappearing game. He will tell you that he will text you back but he never follows through. His disappearance makes you want him more, want turns in to an obsession. He knows that. He exactly has you where he wants you to be. You are his live sex chat room. When he needs to play, he knows exactly where to turn: you. You are better than watching PornHub because you bring in interaction and emotions which he doesn't get from pornography. He is more responsive at night, between 2:00 am- 4:00 am when everyone at his home (including his wife) is sleeping. At other times, he is hunting.
Ask him why he is unresponsive and he will totally blame it on you, "You keep saying 'no' for my desires, how else do you want me to react?"..... "I feel like I am your puppet".."You make me feel like a male escort.."..So, it's your fault again!
3. He only has sex on his mind
"So there would not be any video sex?"
"So all commitments are there but no physical commitment?"
"That's okay..I m not going anywhere..Sex can’t decide the future, Though i need it..Don't take tensions abt kya hona hai kya nahi ..Let time decide..."
In the beginning, he will convince you that he is not here for sex. But underneath his sweet talks, he will prepare you for sexting- that's step number two. Step number one is making you fall in love with him. Step number three will be to make you do nude video calls. Gradually, all his conversations will start steering towards sex, such as:
"I imagine you naked"...."Your body excites me"...."I want to see every inch of your body".."I want to lick your naval, kiss on your butt line and bite your nipples"..."What are you wearing?"..."What is your bra size"..."What color lingerie are you wearing?".....
You are reluctant but you might even reply to his nonsense because you are madly in love with him and you believe that he loves you too. Ask this person what he likes about you (not your body), he won't have an answer. Ask him what he likes about your face, he won't even know how you look. This is because he has never paid attention to you. All women are the same for him. He might send you his photos so you’ll validate him, and send him your photos in return to fulfill his sexual desires. His conversations always turn sexual. When he talks with you, regardless of the topic - he finds a way to bring sex into the conversation. For example, when you tell him you can hardly wait to go home and just soak in a hot bath, he's quick to tell you, he wishes he could be there to have sex with you in the shower or he wants a video of you taking shower. Tell him it's cold and you need a blanket and he will immediately want to come under your blanket and remove your top and pajama. All he would want to know is your opinion on lovemaking, your sex life, if you indulge in self-pleasing acts, your equation with your husband, etc- everything sex-related. This person gets angry or will threaten to break-up with you if you refuse to do what he wants.
4. He makes you get used to him
"Good morning to you and good night to me 🌹🌹"
"I was waiting for your good morning..."
"Good night sweetheart..I love you Jaan 😍😘😘😘:
He wants you to have him as the first thing on your mind as soon as you wake up, keep thinking of him the whole day and he is the last person you think about before going to bed. It doesn't stop there. All night you are thinking about him and waiting for his 'good morning' message. You keep checking your phone now and then like an idiot just to see if he has messaged you. He is like drugs and you are addicted to him. I am certain that you are not the only one he is messaging. He is parallel processing with many other girls at the same time. As soon as he realizes that you are taking too much time in giving him what he wants or he finds other women who are willing to obey his commands, he will stop sending you these messages.
5. He never shares anything personal with you
He will tell you that he is a private person who doesn't like to share anything personal with anyone, he is a loner in his house, doesn't talk to anyone, blah, blah, blah...so that you don't ask him anything personal. Ask him about his family, his job, etc., he will either shut you up or lie. He doesn’t dare to put himself in a losing position here because he wants to impress you. So, he will present himself as someone with an upper hand and gets competitive with you. You will have no way to verify his real-life identity because he hasn't shared anything personal with you at all. He will never give you the information that you want. This is the very same reason why he won't even ask you any personal questions. All he wants is sex and will restrict all conversations to sex or everything that might convince you to talk dirty with him or send him your nude photos and get naked on video calls. Occasionally he might talk on other topics in a limited way so that you don't catch his true intentions. He is full of suspense and mystery and you are nothing more than a slut for him from the online brothel. And, who discusses personal stuff with prostitutes? You visit them, get your job done, and leave.
6. He is a surface dweller
He takes no interest in knowing you as a person. He is insensitive to your concerns. For instance, you tell him about your health issues and he sends you a thumbs up (👍🏽) emoji. But next day he will text you out of guilt. You tell him that you have scars on your body due to medical reasons, yet he insists that do naked video calls. He doesn't care about your scars or how you feel about them or how your scars have affected your confidence. This is because he doesn't remember that you are the one (amongst his list of prospects) with scars. Your sentiments don't matter. You are just a temporary sex toy for him until he starts f***ing his wife again.
You tell him about your past, your ex's, their betrayals and he is only thinking about I, Me, and Myself. His reply will be, "Why should I suffer because of your past?" Needless to say that this time too it is your fault as you cannot give him what he wants.
Since he is not interested in you, he won't have any patience with you. This guy has no intention of going beneath the layers to learn about you as a person or relating to your happiness and sorrows. His communication topics lack depth and quality. He is emotionally disengaged from day one.
7. He lives a dual-life
You will see his social media filled with his photos celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, vacations or enjoying dinners, etc. with his family and friends. He is happy, he is partying, he is socializing....he is a good father, a good son, a loving husband, a caring brother and a good friend...His Facebook is full of cosy photographs and romantic posts with his wife which proves that there is no problem between him and his wife. This is the same man who wants you to strip on video calls but is addressing other women as 'sister' on social media. Sometimes he also lives a triple or quadruple life. For instance, his Facebook has family, Instagram has friends and colleagues, Twitter is for current affairs, Smule has his preys. Wonder what his real life may be.
When you don't give him what he wants he starts telling you things like, "I am choosy when it comes to making friends..."..I don't speak to chat friends"..."Please respect my thinking"..."Becoming your friend is more difficult"..."Hope you understand"...He turns the entire situation towards you as if you are after him and he is begging you to free him from your clutch. He makes you feel worthless as if you are trash.
8. He is a total 'Nautanki'
One day he loves you, the other day he doesn't. One day he wants you and the other day he wants you to leave him alone. This man doesn't love anyone. He is just shallow and selfish. He is insecure and not at all trustworthy. He thinks you are like him. He is unpredictable, irrational, inconsistent, indecisive, impatient, and makes contradictory statements. But he will appear to have it all under control, so he doesn’t develop feelings for you. He’s an emotional roller coaster and hides his softer emotions behind his ego and temper. His own life is all f***ed up. He knows that but he doesn't want to admit it. Being vulnerable is a no-go for him. The minute you voice your feelings for him, you’re blocked.
At that time, he will say things like, "Go and find some other friend"...."I understand and value your emotions. But I can't control my desires and I don't want to hurt you either."..."Leave me alone"...to push you away from him.
The Internet can be a playground for sex fantasies because one can easily get away with it after some enjoyment. If you haven’t gotten to know this guy yet, lucky you! In case you have then please don't pity yourself. If at all you have to pity then pity him, he has lost the opportunity of being loved. Pity his wife- the poor woman doesn't know who she married and who she has to live with for the rest of her life. Pity his sister, who doesn't know that his brother is a pervert. Pity his mother, who has kept him in her womb for 9 months without knowing that one day her son, who she has breastfed and who has come out of her vagina, now wants to see breasts and vaginas of women who are somebody else's mother, sister, or wife. Worse of all, this ego-feeder does everything under the pretext of true love.
You have done nothing wrong. He is blessed to have been truly loved by you. Loving is about connecting skin deep and relating to one another in a way that you both have your needs met. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and not as a powerless object to meet his overwhelming sexual desires. You either MAKE-IT or he will BREAK-IT.