My Long Distance BF Broke Up With Me Because I Refused To Send Him Nudes- What Should I Do Now?
A friend asked me:
I met this guy on online and we have been chatting for the past two months. He is married but his marriage is going through a rough time. He seemed nice and very charming and I instantly got attracted to him. It all started with a very healthy friendship until one day he confessed his love for me. He said that when the time comes, he is ready to leave his wife and child for me and marry me and until then we should chat so we can understand each other very well. Everything was going great until recently he pressurized me to send him nude pictures of myself to him. I said NO because I do not want to and I am not going to. He broke up with me.
Here are the recent accusations that he has made towards me and my replies to him:
BF: I am fed up with your conditions.
Me: When we started chatting, you said everything will be mutual and no one will force the other to do anything that they are not comfortable doing. You are adding this new condition now. That's breach of contract from your end.
BF: You made me beg so much, I can't beg anymore.
Me: I am the one begging you and asking you to not break up with me for such a pervert reason. If you love me then why can't you respect my boundaries?
BF: We met online, therefore, I demanded stuff online.
Me: What do you mean by this? If we met in the real world, would you have grabbed me by the kitty?
BF: I have high expectations from you but you cannot meet my desires.
Me: Your sexual desires are overwhelming. I cannot fulfill them.
BF: I don't want to be your puppet, don't piss me off now. Leave me alone.
Me: You are the one who needs a puppet. May be you need someone who obeys every command.
BF: You cannot give me what I want and I cannot give you what you want. So, we should part ways.
Me: I never asked you to give me anything. All I am saying is that please don't impose the nude condition in this relationship. Cant you give up on this demand? Why do you want break-up because of this?
BF: How else can we express our love in a long-distance relationship? Plain chatting and calls are becoming monotonous.
Me: Can't we do video calls with clothes on? I am uncomfortable to go nude on camera. Moreover, exchange nude on the internet is dangerous, I suggest we both don't do such foolish things. What is the guarantee that the nude calls will not become monotonous?
BF: You can post your photos and videos on social media and share and tag the world on it but you cannot show me your love on a video call. I am unable to digest your logic.
Me: I am not posing nude on the internet. What you are demanding is nudity and pornography.
I cannot stop thinking about him. I am in love with him. What should I do now? He is impatient and has a huge temper. I care about him so much, but I don't feel comfortable sending him those pictures. Can I have him back with him asking me for nude pics?
Why one should not send nudes?
It is not ok for someone to pressure you into any form of sexual activity, and you have the right to say "no" to anything that makes you uncomfortable. I understand that the COVID-19 pandemic is forcing people to get creative in their dating lives and lots of people are trying to figure out new ways to stay connected to their loved ones while they’re social distancing. But that’s no excuse for someone to push your boundaries, and sexting can have serious consequences too. If this pervert did not even think twice before breaking up for such a reason, he is saying “I don’t care what you want, if you don’t give me what I want then this won’t work.”
Whether or not you send nude photos of yourself has no bearing or reflection on how much you love someone. You can send nude photos to someone without loving. Likewise, you can still love someone without wanting to see them nude. A real man wouldn't do something like this ever. He was only dating you to help control his sexual needs and hormones and not because he loves you or wants to be with you forever.
The internet is not safe:
Once you hit “send” on a pic or text, it’s out of your control- even if you delete it or use Snapchat, Telegram or Signal, someone can screenshot, save, or copy what you send and spread it around. If your nudes somehow become public, it is really hard to erase them from other people’s minds, so your future might turn into a big battle of regret and moving on.
Victim of revenge/blackmail:
If you decide to send nudes to bring your BF back then you are only going to invite more trouble. You will be setting yourself up to be a victim of the 'revenge porn'. You should never be beholden to anyone, they should never have any leverage like that to hold over you in or out of the relationship. And, he could easily blackmail you with your already sent photos as well if you choose not to do as he asks. Moreover, you don't know if he is showing it to other people. Watching nudity is so common for men that they think that you are like them. Since you met him online he thinks you are just like him. So, your logic of not sending him nude will never get into his single-track mind.
Analyzing both sides of the relationship
What is wrong with people who ask for nudes?:
I am not saying that your BF is like this. Even women ask for nudes. I always think that it is their prerogative and we should not judge anyone.
However, these are some common traits of people who ask for nudes. While men/women are entitled to their sexual interests and desires, that doesn't give them the right to coerce you, through shaming, threatening, or begging, into satisfying those desires. They also don't have the right to try to cajole you into sending them pictures by accusing you. They are emotional abusers and a control freaks.
Continuing a relationship with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart seems like a waste of time. Your love and care can't change someone who doesn't want to change. And, continuing a relationship with someone who makes clear they could care less about how we feel when they want something from you for themselves is dangerous. Such people are emotionally disengaged since day one of the relation.
As much as you care for them, they do not respect you or care for you at all in return. It appears that you have been repeatedly trying to explain him but he has been repeatedly asking you to send pictures. Such people are not trustworthy or respectful of your wishes. They are sadist who make and break rules as per their own convenience.
Such people are adamant and is obviously not interested in discussion, compromise, or attempting to see things from your point of view, even when it comes to something as completely yours as your own body. They don't care whether or not you are comfortable with something as long as they want it. In their mind they think that they are not forcing you but in your case your BF has clearly said that if you cannot send him photos or do nude calls with him then your relationship won't work. He is very clear about what he wants. What more do you want to hear?
The tactic your BF has used on you is, "if you love me, you will send me your nudes." There is no "show me your body to prove that you love me" in any healthy and respectful relationship. By accusing you over social media, he is only trying to get you to feel guilty so that you do what he wants. Such people are manipulative person with no respect for your wishes.
Such men are very nice to people like you in the beginning of a relationship, but once that believe that you may want the same things as they do, then they will try and get pictures from you. They think that you are just like them - loner, pervert and a sex addict. A soon as they realize that you are really in love with them but won't give what they want, they will leave you. Read my post on 'The Lockdown Love".
They sound like seasoned sales professionals who set expectation targets on people like you (just like sales targets). You could't meet them so now you are a dead account for him. A person who has asked you to send him nudes has probably done the same to multiple other girls. You cannot trust people you have just met, especially strangers on the internet. While you are all heart broken, he must be already interviewing his next recruit.
Where did you go wrong?
You shouldn't have believed him when he said that he loves you. Your boy is married, he is not even seriously committed to you. Rest assured, he is never going to leave his wife. He was only using you until he is able to have sex with his wife again. Once he and his wife are back sexing, he would have anyways dumped you at that time. You were his BACK-UP PLAN.
Instead of explaining him about the ramifications of exchanging nude over the internet, had you told him a straight "no", may be he would have then respected your "no" on this and not asked you again, and he certainly wouldn't have asked you every day about it. You dragged the issue instead of handling it with mutual respect and care.
You should have strictly maintained a formal relationship with him. He doesn't want to keep in touch with you and you cannot force him. Let him go, don't try to stop him. If he loves you for real, he will come back to you without any demand. It reminds of Christian Grey's dialogue in the "I am all your's" scene from the movie Fifty Shades Darker. Even a dominant like Grey has rules and respect. To the best of my knowledge, he won't come back. So, don't waste your time and emotions waiting for him.
Here's what you or anybody in this situation should do
A break up can be traumatizing but there is nothing that you can do here to meet your boyfriend's overwhelming sexual desire. Just deal with the pain. This is a matter of your self-respect and dignity which weighs much more than his unethical demands under the pretext of love. You have already used all your persuasive powers, but if he doesn't want to be persuaded and he doesn't want to alleviate your distress any further, there's just no way to change his mind. He has left you, period.
The only time you should send a nude is when YOU want to, not when your boyfriend wants you to. And, the only way to get him back is to accept his conditions which I don't think you should do. You deserve someone who will make you feel good, safe and comfortable.
Moreover, his demands won't stop here. If he is bored chatting with you and he thinks that exchanging nude will make him stay interested in you then he is wrong. In no time he will be bored with your nudes as well. Even if you guys patch up today, sooner or later he will breakup with you again and start looking for different women so that he can get the viewing pleasure of their body parts. Let him do what he wants to and with whoever he wants to, you don't have to be a member at his "nude-club".
Lastly, the internet is full of articles about dating apps filled with psychos, pedophiles and lunatics who demand boob-shows or any kind of sexual alluring acts. In your case, this guy is a thorough professional and it appears that he must have done something like this many times in the past. From day one he wanted your nude photos and videos. He created innovative strategy to first understand you, convince you that he loves you and then place his pervert demands in front of you. He has never loved you- he was only preparing you so that one day you can meet his sexual expectations. What he did is called as 'cyberbulling'. The sooner you realize this, the better for you.